Friday, November 28, 2008

Dear Political Mijo: A feisty feline's view of issues and events inside the Beltway and beyond

It is humbling when your cat gets more e-mail response to his posts than you.

But that is what has happened since I've advertised that my young kitty Mijo(Spanish for "dear one") is going to start blogging on the supposed political change coming to Washington and American politics.

Mijo picked up typing quite quickly, partly due to Fancy Feast being smeared all over the keys. But he gets all his political news from television, particularly FOX NEWS and CNN. Keith Olbermann on MSNBC scares the hell out of him. He ranks Crazy Keith with the worst ranking possible from his political perspective: four hairballs.

Why a cat writing on politics?

First, cats are fiercely independent, which is a welcome relief to the extremism that dominates American politics today.

Second, they can lick any part of their body. I don't know why that makes them credible, but it sure is a hell of talent that should be tapped more often.

Finally, if Bill Maher and Ann Coulter can be considered reasonable people to comment on American politics, a cat sure couldn't hurt.

Today's first question comes Frustrated in Feline Fiefdom:

Dear Political Mijo,

I was outraged by yet another president bringing another drooling and smelly dog into the White House to serve as the national pet. Cats have been second-class pets in the president's home for all of American history. You'd think the first black president would want to break another barrier with cats like us. But no sirreeee: no change for us. Break out the catnip. I need a snort.

Can you explain why cats still face such prejudice in the White House?

Dear Frustrated in Feline Fiefdom,

I feel your pain. Uh, oh, that's been used by someone else, and he's about as popular as a litter box in a buffett serving line.

Anyway, I too was outraged by President-election Obama's puppy announcement on Nov. 4. Gee, what does a cat have to do to get a little respect in this nation we helped found? Ben Franklin was always cattin' around. Jefferson had Sally Hemmings while still keeping her and many other human beings as slaves.

We're the most popular pet in the nation, next to Paris Hilton. I could eat one of her little dogs for breakfast and still have room for a full bowl of Kibbles n' Bits.

Dogs don't belong in the White House because they are such an embarrassment. They're always licking their balls in public and trying to sniff the rear end of anything that moves. They're always wagging their tails with a dumb smile on their faces like like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid after passing another bailout bill of Wall Street.

Then there's the biggest outrage. Dogs have got this humping problem, both males and females. And they get all excited out of the blue. Bush lets Barney sit in the Oval Office for official state visits and press interivews. No wonder the world is so screwed up and hates America. Barney must have humped some important Muslim cleric while Bush was too busy choking and fainting on pretzels to notice. So Afgahnistan and Iraq remain a mess.

Now Bill Clinton did have Socks the cat. But my buddy Socks knew too much about the Monica Lewinsky scandal that he was exiled with Clinton's personal secretary after the second term ended. Of course, Buddy the Dog -- given to Clinton during the height of Monica-gate -- fared worse. Clinton's Secret Service detail ran over him in New York while his wife was campaigning for the Senate. So Socks got the better end of that deal.

Obama is going to need a cool cat in the White House instead of some drooling dog with all the economic troubles raining down like fleas on a canine's smelly backside. A curled, sleeping cat on camera during one of Obama's fireside chats to the nation would provide a sense of complete, confident control. A dog would just take a dump in the background or start chasing his tail like Secretary of Treasury Henry Paulson rescuing the bank of the week.

If asked, I would serve in the Obama White House. But it appears that the president will just have to learn the hard way. All prejudice -- even against cats -- must be vanquished if this nation is to progress. So to quote Carnac the Magnificent, may a thousand fleas of a diseased Yak infest Obama's armpits.

That'll teach him. Cats rule! Dogs drool!

Keep the faith, Frustrated in Feline Fiefdom. Hey, have you tried those new Friskies' soft shrimp and salmon treats? Good for ya and easy on the litter box.

All my best,


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